Modern Man

Verse 1

I’m a pretty capable guy in most aspects of my life
I can cook, clean and do what it takes to survive
But there’s one area where I could be whole lot better
And that’s doing anything practical whatsoever
The kind of jobs you’d classify as “real man stuff”
Anything involving tools, wood, steel and such
Stuff I thought you just knew one you reached a certain age
But now I’ve reached it I realise is far from the case
Stuff my Dad’s generation seem to just understand
Like they’ve got a manual – with the emphasis on “man”
And girls don’t get mad coz I know you can do it too
In fact I’m regularly shown up by a few of you who do
Don’t get me wrong there’s plenty other value I can add
I can sync your email on your phone and iPad
I’m just not the type of guy you’d describe as a lad
And that’s fine I’ve come to terms with the fact that I simply am a…

Chorus:

Modern Man – there’s a lot that I can do
I can whip up a delicious gluten free vegan stew
I’m a Modern Man – and it’s even low carb
But if the oven won’t start I’m afraid we’re gonna starve

I’m a Modern Man – I got a lotta skills
I can recommend a range of excellent foreign films
I’m a Modern Man – you can borrow them as well
But if you want a screwdriver then.. sorry I can’t help

Verse 2

When it comes to DIY for me the D stands for Delegate
Coz I cause devastation whenever I decorate
And as for tryna mend something when it breaks
My expertise extends as far as wrapping it together with some sellotape
I came home one day and the house was pitch black
So I rang my Dad who told me just to flick a switch back
“It’s very simple son, all you’ve done is blow a fuse out”
“I dunno Dad, it sounds easier just to move house”
It’s not that I’m adverse to manual labour
It’s just by steering clear I’m doing everybody a favour
And if you say it’s not that bad, you’ll back track for sure
When you see how long it takes to make some flatpack drawers
– 4 hours and a whole load of cursing later
And it barely resemble the picture that’s on the paper
But even though they’re crooked I’m still grinning with pride
Until I realise I’ve put the handles on the inside

Chorus:

I’m a Modern Man – Don’t talk to me about sport
I don’t know my tennis pitches from my football courts
I’m a Modern Man – my mates treat me with disdain
Coz when their teams lose I say “It’s only a game”

I’m a Modern Man – I’m useless in a fight
Despite my extensive training at Boxercise
I’m a Modern Man – So I’m bound to lose
Like “Let’s talk it out” while being beaten with my own shoe

Verse 3

I hear girls complaining when they go to the garage
That the mechanics just assume that their knowledge is lacking
But as a man, the opposite assumption is made
And that your brain contains every single volume of Haynes
I got a flat tyre when I was driving one time
So pulled over and rang the nearest garage I could find
Explained the situation and then waited inside
For over 2 hours until the guy finally arrived
He eyed it up and down and asked “Do you have a spare?”
I stared blankly and replied “Uh not that I’m aware…”
He opened the back door, lifted up the floor
– And I was like “Wow, I never knew that there!”
He changed it and then handed me a bill for the work
And to tell the truth I don’t know how much this stuff is worth
So when I saw the price I tried to not look surprised
“£900 – mmm yeah that sounds about right…”

Chorus

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t know how to read a map
I still get lost even when I’m following a SatNav
I’m a Modern Man – But I rarely lose my rag
Because I practice mindfulness daily with an app

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t want a builders brew
But a Roobois or Chai infusion will do
Coz I’m a Modern Man – or if you’re offering coffee
Then a decaf frapaccino with some cream and some toffee

I’m a Modern Man – my girlfriends always despair
Coz when we hold hands mine are softer than theirs
I’m a Modern Man – I’ll notice their new hair
– But if I see a spider I’ll be standing on a chair

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t get on with their dads
I’m the son they’re always glad that they never had
I’m a Modern Man – but Mums always approve
Coz I can help them pair their outfits with their new shoes
I’m a Modern Man.