Never Learn ft Nicola Jayne Offbeat

Never Learn ft Nicola Jayne

Verse 1

Woke up this morning – I was led on the sofa
Didn’t know where I was – like I’d been in a coma
Body all twisted in a position as if I’d been studying yoga
And still fully clothed from head to toe as though I’d just won at strip poker
And it tasted like something had crawled in my mouth and died inside it
Or they’d taken a drill and my head was the place they decided to hide it
Took a sip of some water and some aspirin to try and relieve it
While I piece together all the events that had happened the previous evening
I met with a friend – who I’d not seen for ages
But had no intention of drinking coz there’s still a week till I’m given my wages
I took my car so there’d be no chance of me giving into temptation
But you know what it’s like it’s hard to resist after you’ve started to taste it
I run to the window and look for my car to make sure that I didn’t drive home
Then breathe a sigh of relief but realise I did park it on yellow lines though
There’s no point stressing now – it’s too late there’s no way I won’t have a ticket
Besides if I did pick it up in my present condition I still would be over the limit

Chorus

Why do these things always seem to happen to me?
One drink turned into two and then two turned into three
And then three turned into four and four always leads to more
Now I’m lying on the sofa and my head is feeling sore

Verse 2

I take a deep breath – and start coughing and wheezing
My throat’s full of phlegm – and it’s stopping me breathing
I scrabble around on the ground in desperate need of an asthma inhaler
Reach in my jacket and what do I find inside? A packet of backy and papers
I’m not a smoker and when I’m sober I hate the aroma and flavour
One of those typical hypocritical people that lecture their friends on the dangers
But the moment that I take a sip of the potion then everything changes
And I’ll be like “Please can you give us a fag as a favour, I promise I’ll buy some more later”
And that’s when I notice – a stain on my trousers
And vaguely recall ordering takeaway food at the latest of hours
I’m usually picky about any food that I choose to devour
But the booze overpowers my critical thoughts and I’m off to the chippy to queue at the counter
Ordering deep-fried food so greasy it leaks through the wrapper
I guess it’s true that “you are what you eat” coz yesterday night I was totally battered
The voice in my head is protesting and saying get back on the diet
But I tell it “be quiet” and head for the fridge coz I’ll die if I don’t have a fry up

Chorus

Why do these things always seem to happen to me?
One drink turned into two and then two turned into three
And then three turned into four and four always leads to more
Now I’m lying on the sofa and my head is feeling sore

Verse 3

I check if my wallet – has got any change in
And to my surprise – there’s still some remaining
I pat myself on the back for spending much less than I thought then
I find a receipt from 3 in the morning for cash I don’t even remember withdrawing
How much more did I spend? – I don’t even think I wanna find out
I started with 10 and then took out two 20s and inside my wallet there’s 5 now
That’s actually not too high an amount nowadays to pay for a night out
But that’s when I look in my wallet again and see my credit card is upside down
I don’t even know – all the places I went to
There’s stamps on my hand – from three different venues
I met a nice girl in one but it didn’t end how I meant to
Coz all I remember me saying was “Sorry love, I didn’t mean to offend you”
So I left my car, smoked, used for my card for getting the rounds in
Ruined my chance with a girl and to top it all off my head is still pounding
I know that I’ve said it before but I’m never drinking again
Then my friend texts me to say it’s his birthday tonight and we’re linking at 10

Chorus

Why do these things always seem to happen to me?
One drink turned into two and then two turned into three
And then three turned into four and four always leads to more
Now I’m lying on the sofa and my head is feeling sore