The Hipsters Are Coming

Verse 1:

I used to live in a nice place, well it wasn’t that nice
You’d be kept awake by the sound of shouting at night
Police lights that flashed bright and sirens that were audible
But it was our home and most of all it was affordable
But then something happened and it all changed forever
I was in the corner shop buying beans for my breakfast
When I saw something that I thought was kinda freaky
A shelf I’d never seen with something on it called Tahini
I shouted to the owner “Aiyyo man, what’s this?”
He said “I dunno but we’ve had requests to stock it”
At the time I thought that it was nothing to be fearing
But shortly after more weird things began appearing
A coffee shop popping up, where before there wasn’t one
The gym doing Yoga classes instead of body pump
But the point at which I knew things had gone too far
Was when the snooker hall turned into a juice bar

Chorus:

Ohhhh you better start running
Head for the hills coz the Hipsters are coming
They took our town and they left us with nothing
And now they wanna take yours toooooooo

Ohhhh you better start running
Head for the hills coz the Hipsters are coming
Taking over every damn thing that they’re touching
And they wanna do the same to youuuuuuu

Verse 2:

It spread like wildfire it was too quick to stop
Every building in the street just became a hipster spot
With exposed brickwork and mis-matched chairs
And staff with big fat beards and slicked back hair
Selling veg that was seasonal, bread that’s artisanal
Free from every single allergen that’s conceivable
Organic spelt leaven rye sourdough
An absolute steal at only £5 a loaf
I tried to warn my friends but they just said to me:
“I think it’s good that we’re joining the 21st Century”
As they tucked into the smashed avocado they were scoffing
I was like “Damn man, they’ve already got ‘em”
I started to research if this had happened before
But what I saw left me floored coz it was worse than I thought
From Shoreditch to New York and Portland it was spreading
To Kreuzberg in Europe this was an epidemic!

Verse 3:

I was shell shocked so I hit the pub for a hard drink
But when I got there what I saw made my my heart sink
The place I’d been coming for the past 5 years now
Had changed and become yet another craft beer house
– I marched inside and yelled “What the hell’s this?”
The barman asked “Is there something I can help with?”
Yes there bloody well is, this place was respectable
Now it’s just a hipster dive that looks identical
With drinks in glass jars and food served on wooden boards
And prices no normal human could afford
He said “Yeah but at least try the menu
Coz I’m sure we can tempt you if you let us attempt to…
We’ve got bowls of ramen with sriracha to start
And wood-fired pizza with artichoke hearts
Raw cacao brownies with ice cream made of kale
All washed down with a local pale ale…

That sounds alright actually…
No, wait!
You can’t tempt me!
I don’t wanna!
Get away from me!
I’m warning you!
Please!
Help!
Aghhhhhhhhhh!

Verse 4:

I managed to escape and was able to break free
So ran full speed til I made home to safety
Jumped inside the house and I slammed the front door closed
Then barricaded it with some planks and a wardrobe
– I fell asleep but awoke the next morning
To the sound of my phone and my landlord calling
His name’s Owen which is appropriate I guess
Coz that’s what I was usually doing with the rent
He said “It’s with regret that I’m giving you your notice
Coz house prices round here have recently exploded
So I’m selling up and it’s sad that I’ve got to
But with the offer I’ve been made, I’d be mad not to
So I left town for a new place to dwell
But I know it won’t be long before they come here as well
So when you see a juice bar open don’t wait
Start running coz by then it’s already too late…

Pie: It’s funny you say that, Stranger…
Me: Oh?
Pie: We just had a juice bar open up last week…
Me: Oh my God… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… it’s already too late…
HERE THEY COOOOOOOOME!

Chorus 4:

Ohhhh you better start running
Head for the hills coz the Hipsters are coming
They took our town and they left us with nothing
And now they wanna take yours toooooooo

Ohhhh the Hipsters are coming
But now it’s too late coz you thought I was bluffing
You waited too long and you wish you did something
But now it’s too late to dooooooooo