{"id":3024,"date":"2022-05-23T11:29:12","date_gmt":"2022-05-23T11:29:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/?p=3024"},"modified":"2022-05-23T12:53:22","modified_gmt":"2022-05-23T12:53:22","slug":"crapocalypse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/crapocalypse","title":{"rendered":"Crapocalypse"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Verse 1<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wake up one morning after a heavy night out
Dunno the time so grab my phone to find out
I know that I\u2019ve been sleeping in a deep state
But even I\u2019m surprised to find out that it\u2019s been 3 days!
Switch the news on and I\u2019m shocked by what I see
A virus has hit – and everyone\u2019s in quarantine
Supermarkets have been raided and the shelves are bare
But worst of all – there\u2019s no toilet paper anywhere!
It seem\u2019s like society\u2019s without hope
Until I hear about a scientific outpost
Who plead with anyone who still has a roll at home
To bring it to them so that they can try and make a clone
I go to my bathroom and check my supply
And to my delight see one roll has survived
A time comes for every hero to rise
So I stuff it in my jacket and boldy head outside\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chorus:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you need, need, need some loo roll
But there\u2019s none, none, none left to buy
When it seems, seems, seems like the new gold
Coz it\u2019s so, so, so hard to find<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Crapocalypse!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Crapocalypse!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Verse 2<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I walk around and it feels like a ghost town
The streets are empty there\u2019s absolutely no sound
Cars have just been abandoned in the street
And there\u2019s rubbish everywhere that crumples under my feet
All the shops have been raided for supplies
I step inside one who\u2019s doors are left open wide
The scientific outpost is very far
So I grab some water for the trip and some breakfast bars
As I walk out I hear somebody tread on litter
Spin around and I see a withered looking figure
He asks for some toilet paper and I hear him say
\u201cPleeeease I haven\u2019t been for several dayyyys\u201d
I take pity on this dude coz he\u2019s looking weak
Remove the roll from my coat and tear him off a sheet
His eyes light up and he grabs it greedily
Laughs creepily and then scurries away speedily<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Verse 3<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I keep going for a couple more hours and then
I get accosted by an angry looking gang of men
The leader says \u201cThere\u2019s a guy who\u2019s description fits you
Walking round with a whole roll of toilet tissue\u201d
And I\u2019ve not been for nearly a week
So give it up and you might just leave here in one piece!\u201d
I try to lie and claim that he\u2019s wrong
But then I see the dude I gave some to earlier on
I say \u201cOk, it\u2019s true but I\u2019m tryna take it
To some scientists so that it can be duplicated
But if you want a breakfast bar you can have it gladly\u201d
He scoffs it whole and then he starts charging at me
I close my eyes and await my demise
But then I hear him fall to the floor and let out a cry (\u201cArrrgh!)
I wonder what it is that saved me from doom
Then I look at the wrapper and see that the flavour is prune! (Yes!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Verse 4<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally I reach the outpost after my quest
Ring the buzzer and gruff voice answers \u201cYes?\u201d
I say I bring hope in the form of toilet paper
They don\u2019t believe me and think I\u2019m just a time waster
Eventually they let me in and I hold it high
Everybody stares with their mouths open wide
No one speaks because words don\u2019t seem suitable
Until one of them simply utters \u201cIt\u2019s beautiful\u2026\u201d
Weeks pass and we continue to suffer
As experiments produce one failure after another
We\u2019re on the verge of admitting defeat
When at long last it seems like a breakthrough has been reached
The world is saved from this deadly disaster
But it\u2019ll never be the same place after
And even though it\u2019s gone it won\u2019t be forgotten quick
Coz we just nearly had a full blown Crapocalypse!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Verse 1 I wake up one morning after a heavy night outDunno the time so grab my phone to find outI know that I\u2019ve been sleeping in a deep stateBut even I\u2019m surprised to find out that it\u2019s been 3 days!Switch the news on and I\u2019m shocked by what I seeA virus has hit – […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3024"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3024"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3024\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3024"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3024"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/iamoffbeat.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3024"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}