Verse 1:

It’s date night, but I’m running late so I’m quite stressed
Plus I need a trim coz my hair is right mess
My usual guy’s on the other side of town though
And unfortunately I don’t have time to drive around, So
I dive into the first place that I can find
It’s called “The Man Cave” or something along those lines
And as I wait inside, I can’t help laughing at
The fact I feel like I’m in a barbershop starter pack
Uncomfy sofas made out of pleather
Fake wooden walls with the pixelated texture
Skulls with beards as far as the eye can see
And the water spray that looks like a bottle of JD (classic)
I know I should probably take it as a warning
When the brawny before me runs out the store bawling (crying noise)
But I’m in a rush so when the barber shouts “Next”
I approach with no knowledge of what horror to expect


All I ever wanted was a little off the top
Now I’m getting worried that this barber’s lost the plot
All I ever wanted was a short back and sides
Now I’ll just be grateful if I walk out alive!

Verse 2:

He brushes off the chair and motions for me to sit
Asks me what I want and I say “I’ve brought a pic”
I rummage around and take my phone out my pocket
But without looking he just says “Skin fade – got it”
I’m like “He’s a pro, just let him do his job”
But then watch as huge clumps of hair start falling off (ummm)
He’s bashing me in the head so hard with the clippers
By the time that he’s finished I’m seeing stars in my vision
Afterwards he asks if I want him to shave my beard
I’m hesitant but think “I may as well while I’m here”
Big mistake – he flings me back in my seat
Gets the razor and I wonder if I’m on Fleet Street
He leans over me and starts hacking and slicing
I feel him draw blood, now I’m actually frightened
And when he’s done – it’s like a scene from Home Alone
Coz he slaps me in the cheeks with some cologne (SLAP – Aggghhhh!)

Verse 3:

I’m still recovering from my near death experience
So when he asks the next question I’m barely hearing it
“Do I want him to do my ears and my nose?”
I’m too weary and shell-shocked to say no
So just when I think it can’t get any more dire
He pulls out a big stick and lights it on fire
I try to stay cool, which is kinda hard to do
While thinking “This dude’s gonna put the “Barber” in “Barbecue!””
Thankfully he doesn’t roast me alive
But he does wrap a hot towel around my throat and my eyes
I lie there and wonder if I’ll die from being smothered
Then then utter a huge gasp when I’m finally uncovered (gasp!)
I see my reflection, face grief-stricken
Bruised, bloody, looking like freshly plucked chicken
And even though I feel like the victim of a mugging
When he asks what I think, I say “Thanks mate, I love it”


Oh my god, what happened to you?

I don’t wanna talk about it.

Are you OK?

I said I don’t want to talk about it!

Alright… so how was your day?

He singed me…

Yeah I’m calling the police.