Verse 1

I wake up one morning after a heavy night out
Dunno the time so grab my phone to find out
I know that I’ve been sleeping in a deep state
But even I’m surprised to find out that it’s been 3 days!
Switch the news on and I’m shocked by what I see
A virus has hit – and everyone’s in quarantine
Supermarkets have been raided and the shelves are bare
But worst of all – there’s no toilet paper anywhere!
It seem’s like society’s without hope
Until I hear about a scientific outpost
Who plead with anyone who still has a roll at home
To bring it to them so that they can try and make a clone
I go to my bathroom and check my supply
And to my delight see one roll has survived
A time comes for every hero to rise
So I stuff it in my jacket and boldy head outside…


When you need, need, need some loo roll
But there’s none, none, none left to buy
When it seems, seems, seems like the new gold
Coz it’s so, so, so hard to find



Verse 2

I walk around and it feels like a ghost town
The streets are empty there’s absolutely no sound
Cars have just been abandoned in the street
And there’s rubbish everywhere that crumples under my feet
All the shops have been raided for supplies
I step inside one who’s doors are left open wide
The scientific outpost is very far
So I grab some water for the trip and some breakfast bars
As I walk out I hear somebody tread on litter
Spin around and I see a withered looking figure
He asks for some toilet paper and I hear him say
“Pleeeease I haven’t been for several dayyyys”
I take pity on this dude coz he’s looking weak
Remove the roll from my coat and tear him off a sheet
His eyes light up and he grabs it greedily
Laughs creepily and then scurries away speedily

Verse 3

I keep going for a couple more hours and then
I get accosted by an angry looking gang of men
The leader says “There’s a guy who’s description fits you
Walking round with a whole roll of toilet tissue”
And I’ve not been for nearly a week
So give it up and you might just leave here in one piece!”
I try to lie and claim that he’s wrong
But then I see the dude I gave some to earlier on
I say “Ok, it’s true but I’m tryna take it
To some scientists so that it can be duplicated
But if you want a breakfast bar you can have it gladly”
He scoffs it whole and then he starts charging at me
I close my eyes and await my demise
But then I hear him fall to the floor and let out a cry (“Arrrgh!)
I wonder what it is that saved me from doom
Then I look at the wrapper and see that the flavour is prune! (Yes!)

Verse 4

Finally I reach the outpost after my quest
Ring the buzzer and gruff voice answers “Yes?”
I say I bring hope in the form of toilet paper
They don’t believe me and think I’m just a time waster
Eventually they let me in and I hold it high
Everybody stares with their mouths open wide
No one speaks because words don’t seem suitable
Until one of them simply utters “It’s beautiful…”
Weeks pass and we continue to suffer
As experiments produce one failure after another
We’re on the verge of admitting defeat
When at long last it seems like a breakthrough has been reached
The world is saved from this deadly disaster
But it’ll never be the same place after
And even though it’s gone it won’t be forgotten quick
Coz we just nearly had a full blown Crapocalypse!