Verse 1:

If you see me when I’m with my best mates, You might wonder if we’re even friends
Coz all we do is argue, trade insults, and make jokes at one another’s expense
But we don’t mean to cause offence, even though that might be the appearance
It’s just the way that we are with each other, where the C-word is a term of endearment
Some people think it’s a British thing, and that we’re too repressed to express our feelings
But I disagree – we could get all along, but taking the piss is so much more appealing
The irony is that the closer we are, the harsher the jokes and remarks that we’re making
So if I just smile and ask how you are – chances are that good you’re just an acquaintance
The worst thing about friends like these is when you introduce two from different groups
– Coz the only thing that they’ve got in common is a mutual love of abusing you
And you might think this just refers to the men, but trust me the girls can be even worse than them
And tryna fight back is not even worth it, coz when they get together then you can’t get a word in
Sometimes I wonder what it might be like, if all my friends were just nice and supportive
I tried to make some new friends like this, but after about 5 minutes I was bored stiff
You see that’s just my sense of humour, and I’m drawn to people who are just the same
Besides if you asked all my friends who the worst one out of us was, they would say my name

Chorus x 2:

If you meet us then you’ll see, that we are true friends indeed
But trust me with friends like these, you do not need enemies

Verse 2:

Yo, I learnt the hard way not to leave Facebook logged in on my lunch break
Coz there’s a constant battle that’s waged to see who can create the worst status update
It all started when my orientation was changed one day to say that I’d be outed…
And I didn’t know til my mum phoned me to say “Well done son, we’ve always known about it”
And these days when I go to parties, I pace myself and don’t drink so fast now
Not because I’m more sensible, but coz my friends all draw on my face when I pass out
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve woken up in the morning covered in graffiti
And sometimes I’ve not even known until I’m walking home and other people see me
But at least when I go to bars and try to meet some girls my friends are there to help me
I’m like “Bruv I’ve forgotten her name, go over and ask her, come back and tell me”
I get the name and start to chat, but in 5 seconds flat the girl is leaving
I’m like “What, was it something I said?”, look back at my friends and see them all creasing
But I’d be lying if I tried to pretend to be innocent and didn’t give as good as I get
And I don’t wait to retaliate coz it’s a fact that attack is the best form of defence
And sometimes we get carried away, with the things that we say and it can go too far
But at the end of the day it’s all fun and games, we’re all mates and we know that we mean no harm

Chorus x 4:

If you meet us then you’ll see, that we are true friends indeed
But trust me with friends like these, you do not need enemies

Some people love it while other people hate it, some people get it while other’s think we’re sadists
There’s only one rule though – if you’re gonna dish it out, then please make sure that you’re able to take it
Don’t start something and then get upset, when the other person responds with a comeback
Be a good sport and lose with grace and don’t get bent out of shape over a mum gag
Coz it’s all just playful fun, hurting feelings is not the intention
– So please don’t take it personally, coz it’s meant as a genuine sign of affection
But even I can get it wrong sometimes, I’ve often said things and lived to regret them
“I was only joking, please don’t cry – of course I don’t think that you’re actually pregnant!”

Sometimes I wonder how I got like this, but I was raised in a certain way
By parents who were both windup merchants, so I was trained from an early age
In our house humour ruled supreme, and a result it was valued highly
And just like turkey on Boxing Day, it was served in abundance, cold and dryly
And when I took my girlfriend to meet my rents, I said “Well what d’you think?” when she went to the loo
And independently, both identically said “She’s great, what the hell’s she doing with you?”
So I blame them for my harsh nature, brutal humour and cruel pranks
Coz they made me the sarcy, sharp-tongued, smart-arse man that I am and for that I say thanks!