Verse 1

It’s been a long week and I’m feeling ruined, I just need an evening’s TV viewing
I’m starving but right now cooking is the last thing that I really feel like doing
Besides which I think my fridge is empty, I haven’t had any time to go shopping
Pop in my head and there’s half an onion, next to a pot of yoghurt with some green fluff on it (urgh)
Sod it, I can’t be bothered tonight and to be honest I’m craving a takeaway
I know it’s naughty coz I can’t really afford it plus I already bought one the other day
But when ya feeling like this, there really just is only thing which is hitting the spot
Besides by the time that I’ve been to the shop, the ingredients will be a similar cost
So I whip out my app, scroll through the options but there’s really one thing I’m after
Onion bhaji, Tikka masala, lamb bhuna and a chicken dopiaza
Now I know what ya thinking “Damn Offbeat, that’s a lotta food for one man to finish”
But the plan is that I can eat half now and save the rest for lunch… Ha! Who am I kidding?
Look at my basket “20 quid for all this food? Actually that’s pretty cheap”
Hit the checkout and its 25 once they add service and delivery fees (cheeky c…)
Pay with my face and I patiently wait til my order is accepted by the kitchen (Yess!)
I celebrate, but then a message states – the ETA’s 90 minutes??? (What???)


I’m hungry and I’m tired so I’m grumpy and I’m cranky
My belly’s feeling empty and there’s nothing in the pantry
If I don’t eat soon then I’ll turn into Gordon Ramsay
Coz trust me when I say you wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry!

Verse 2

Now I’m playing the waiting game, but my stomach’s growling and I’m salivating
Thinking about the mountain of the food that I’m soon gonna be planting my face in
90 minutes seems like an eternity though and I don’t know if I can make it
Every few seconds I’m checking my phone to see if the status has been updated
An hour and 29 minutes later and it’s still not here so I’m starting to panic
That’s when a notification appears saying 20 more minutes have just been added
I scream “Goddamnit! They can’t do that! What’s wrong with them, are these people monsters?
I’m tempted to cancel and start again, but then I’ll just end up waiting even longer
20 more minutes have now gone by and so I call up the restaurant to give ‘em an earful
They’ve picked the wrong guy to mess with tonight, if I was in their shoes I would be fearful
I pity the poor fool who answers the phone and receives the fury that I unleash –
“Hi, I ordered some food but it’s late, could you please tell me how long it’ll be?”
“That’s them told”, I think to myself as I hang up the phone feeling satisfied
The guy said that it’ll be here in 5 but surprise surprise it still hasn’t arrived
Now I’m on the verge of losing my mind so I take a deep breath and I pick up the phone

Verse 3

I’ve had enough and am about to cancel but it’s at that point I receive a message
“Your order’s ready and the rider Raphael’s on his way to the restaurant to get it
“Yes Raphael you absolute legend! Now please bring my food to me fast!
“Not too long to wait now my pet, until you and I are together at last”
Now I’m watching the map intently, and scrutinising each move he makes
Cursing whenever he stops at the lights and screaming alternative routes to take
Now he seems to have stopped altogether and the bike icon’s just spinning around
I’ve gone from liking this guy to shouting “What the hell is wrong with this freaking clown??!”
Finally I see he’s getting close, so I stand outside so that I don’t miss him
Just in time to watch him fly by and then get trapped in the one way system
A minute later and I get a call asking me to meet him and that he’s parked close
I can’t help feeling as I grab the bag, that I’m partaking in scene from Narcos
By the time that I get back home and I’m sat down eating its half past 10
Part of me hopes that the food is bad so I never have to deal with these chumps again
I take a container out the bag, try a spoonful to evaluate it
And sigh coz the final insult tonight – is it’s the best damn curry I’ve ever tasted