Verse 1:

January is the month we dedicate to fitness
Coz everybody feels fat and guilty after Christmas
– So we sell ‘em memberships to gyms and all the kit
And they go once or twice but in a month’s time they all quit
February is a month that’s wonderful for us
Coz Valentines Day makes everyone have to prove their love
So we sell chocolates, flowers even jewellery to these chumps
And they buy it all – coz they know if they don’t then they’ll get dumped!
And March is when we all dress up to celebrate St Patricks Day
Whether or not we’ve got a drop of Irish blood inside our veins
And to tell the truth I still don’t know what it all means
But I know one thing, it’s literally a licence to print green
And Easter was supposed to be when Jesus returned from the dead
But our research shows people prefer fluffy bunnies instead
And if you’ve still got any chocolate from Valentines Day left
You can melt it down, reshape and resell it as eggs


We rely, on people buying what we sell them
And we thrive, on gluttony and greed
We provide, a range of seasons as the motivation
And the reason to buy things that they don’t need

They comply, and always do just what we tell them
And inside, it makes them feel complete
But when they find, the feeling has depleted
They are desperate to repeat it so by more things they don’t need

Verse 2:

There wasn’t really much in June so we created Father’s Day
As yet another chance for us to saturate the marketplace
So now you can take any tat and peddle it for cash
As long as it comes decorated with a little tash
July the 4th is also known as Independence Day
Which right now they just celebrate in the United States
– But we’ll have here soon too, as long as I have my way
You don’t believe me? Look, we’ve already got Black Friday!
Now August might seem quiet but don’t get it misconstrued
Coz here is where your Christmas stock can first get introduced
I know you think I’m crazy and you say “It’s way to soon”
But it gets earlier and earlier – next year we’ll start in June
The kids go back to school at the beginning of September
And they want branded jackets, bags and shoes thanks to peer pressure
And this is where we first implant the seed inside their heads
That you need material items in order to feel content
Halloween is something that we only just acquired
But boy am I glad that we did, the concept is inspired
Coz we sell sweets to grownups, who are blissfully ignoring
The fact that ‘trick or treat’ is simply door to door extortion!
Now contrary to Halloween, which has only just arrived
We’ve been profiteering in November since 1605
But as well as Bonfire Night and Guy Fawkes now it’s even better
Coz we make twice as much from those masks from V for Vendetta
And now December is the month we’ve all been waiting for…
Where we gorge ourselves on food and drink and Christmas gifts galore
And the mascot that we’ve chosen is too fitting to be true
A fat white man, in a Coca Cola suit
On Boxing Day we make sure everyone runs to the store
To buy all the things that they weren’t given just the day before
And then it’s New Year’s Eve where everyone counts down from 10
And then the very next day the whole cycle starts again


Now I know the observant ones amongst you have something to say
“You didn’t mention any events in the month of May”
So let’s create one right now and make everybody pay
In fact lets cut the middle man right out and just call it ‘Retail Dayyyyy’!