Category Archives: IDNLHHBTIA

Tis The Season

Verse 1:

January is the month we dedicate to fitness
Coz everybody feels fat and guilty after Christmas
– So we sell ‘em memberships to gyms and all the kit
And they go once or twice but in a month’s time they all quit
February is a month that’s wonderful for us
Coz Valentines Day makes everyone have to prove their love
So we sell chocolates, flowers even jewellery to these chumps
And they buy it all – coz they know if they don’t then they’ll get dumped!
And March is when we all dress up to celebrate St Patricks Day
Whether or not we’ve got a drop of Irish blood inside our veins
And to tell the truth I still don’t know what it all means
But I know one thing, it’s literally a licence to print green
And Easter was supposed to be when Jesus returned from the dead
But our research shows people prefer fluffy bunnies instead
And if you’ve still got any chocolate from Valentines Day left
You can melt it down, reshape and resell it as eggs

Chorus:

We rely, on people buying what we sell them
And we thrive, on gluttony and greed
We provide, a range of seasons as the motivation
And the reason to buy things that they don’t need

They comply, and always do just what we tell them
And inside, it makes them feel complete
But when they find, the feeling has depleted
They are desperate to repeat it so by more things they don’t need

Verse 2:

There wasn’t really much in June so we created Father’s Day
As yet another chance for us to saturate the marketplace
So now you can take any tat and peddle it for cash
As long as it comes decorated with a little tash
July the 4th is also known as Independence Day
Which right now they just celebrate in the United States
– But we’ll have here soon too, as long as I have my way
You don’t believe me? Look, we’ve already got Black Friday!
Now August might seem quiet but don’t get it misconstrued
Coz here is where your Christmas stock can first get introduced
I know you think I’m crazy and you say “It’s way to soon”
But it gets earlier and earlier – next year we’ll start in June
The kids go back to school at the beginning of September
And they want branded jackets, bags and shoes thanks to peer pressure
And this is where we first implant the seed inside their heads
That you need material items in order to feel content
Halloween is something that we only just acquired
But boy am I glad that we did, the concept is inspired
Coz we sell sweets to grownups, who are blissfully ignoring
The fact that ‘trick or treat’ is simply door to door extortion!
Now contrary to Halloween, which has only just arrived
We’ve been profiteering in November since 1605
But as well as Bonfire Night and Guy Fawkes now it’s even better
Coz we make twice as much from those masks from V for Vendetta
And now December is the month we’ve all been waiting for…
Where we gorge ourselves on food and drink and Christmas gifts galore
And the mascot that we’ve chosen is too fitting to be true
A fat white man, in a Coca Cola suit
On Boxing Day we make sure everyone runs to the store
To buy all the things that they weren’t given just the day before
And then it’s New Year’s Eve where everyone counts down from 10
And then the very next day the whole cycle starts again

Outro:

Now I know the observant ones amongst you have something to say
“You didn’t mention any events in the month of May”
So let’s create one right now and make everybody pay
In fact lets cut the middle man right out and just call it ‘Retail Dayyyyy’!

The Talk

Verse 1

Girl: Hey, can we talk a minute?

Offbeat: Yeah what’s up?

Girl: Um, just sit down a sec…

We’ve been dating for a while now, a good six weeks or so
And I wanna know where you think that this gonna go

Offbeat: Yeah… I had a feeling that you might do
I mean it’s only fair, after all you’ve got the right to
To tell the truth – I guess I’ve been evading it
Coz I don’t really know the best way of explaining this
– You’re amazing and it’s been a lot of fun
But right now I’m just not in the right place for a relationship
You know the way it is, I’m a busy guy
I got a whole load on my plate and I don’t really have the time
So I can’t commit to anything but if you’d like
To keep things on a casual basis well then that’d be just fine…

Girl: Uh, why the hell didn’t you say that?
– If that’s how you felt then you shoulda told me way back
Instead of wasting my time getting my hopes up
Thinking there was more when all along you had the same plan
By staying quiet and refusing to confess
You’ve basically been lying to me and just using me for sex
It could’ve been casual if you’d said so at the start
But instead you’ve gone ahead and played around with my heart

Chorus

(Flopped it) But I’m gonna learn from my mistakes
And be honest next time to avoid the heart ache
When it comes to The Talk I won’t leave it so long
Coz baby I don’t wanna do you wrong (No I don’t wanna do you wrong)

Verse 2

Offbeat: Hey, can we talk a minute?

Girl: Yeah what’s up?

Offbeat: Um, just sit down a sec…

We met a couple days ago and had our first date
Then we spent the night together and I won’t lie it was great
But I’ve been berated for misleading girls before
So it’s important to me that we talk just to set things straight
You seem ace and I think you’re really pretty
But I don’t want a girlfriend now coz I’m too busy
And I don’t wanna be accused of lying or pretending
– So I’m ending it now before you get invested…

Girl: (Uh) –

Offbeat: Shh baby let me speak…
I know you’re looking for the One but I’m afraid that isn’t me
You’re probably devastated and I’m sorry you got stung
But I’m doing you a favour – in fact you’ll probably thank me in the long run…

Girl: … Are you done?

Offbeat: Uh I guess so…

Girl: Ok, well number 1
Just coz I’m a woman doesn’t mean I need a boyfriend
Don’t you know that some girls just wanna have fun? (Um…)
Now try and brace your ego for number 2…
The sex was good but not enough to make me fall in love with you!
So based on what you’ve said let’s be friends and nothing more
You could’ve had benefits but you’re too immature

Chorus

(Flopped it) But I’m gonna learn from my mistakes
So next time I’ll slow things down and put on the brakes
When it comes to The Talk I won’t come on so strong
Coz baby I don’t wanna do you wrong (No I don’t wanna do you wrong)

Verse 3

Both: Hey, can we talk a minute? / Hey, can we talk a minute?

Offbeat: Haha, you go first

Girl: No you…

Offbeat: We’ve hooked up a couple times so lets get it out the way
And make sure that the two of us are both on the same page
I’m having lots of fun – an absolute ball in fact
But right now I’m not looking for anything more than that

Girl: Thanks, I appreciate you being straight with me
And actually I gotta say it comes as a great relief
See I just came out of a long term relationship
So I don’t wanna jump into another one so hastily

Offbeat: Sweet! This is what’s been so elusive
A girl who’s cool with not being exclusive
Who’s like a mate and who kills me with laugher
Who I want to watch Netflix and chill with after…
But now a couple months have passed I see a catch
Coz the more time that I spend with you, the more I feel attached
When I get with other girls it doesn’t feel the same
And the thought of you with other guys is driving me insane
So what do you say, why don’t we just give this thing a go?

Girl: I’m sorry, but I told you from the start the answers “No”
Why do you look upset? I thought you said that’s what you wanted

Offbeat: I thought it was as well, but somehow it still feels like I’ve flopped it.

Same, Old

Verse 1

My folks broke up when I was 10
My mum met another bloke and got married again
We left our home in the city where we’d previously lived
And moved house to a little town out in the sticks
Even though I missed my friends I liked it at first
You could leave your door unlocked and your bike unobserved
But after a little while it started to change
And I began to see things that seemed a bit strange
There was a butchers I walked past every morning
And I’d talk to the owner who I thought was in his 40s
It was his birthday one day he told me with pride
– and I was shocked to find he was only 25
I couldn’t believe it, he had to be joking
But the closer I looked the more I started to notice
The baker, the postman, even the fishmonger
All turned out to be a whole lot younger
It wasn’t just the way they looked that made them seem old
It was on a deeper level than that, way down in their soul
It was in the way they moved and talked but most of all
In the glazed expression their faces all wore

Chorus

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
I just keep running, I just keep moving
Coz the moment I’m stalling it’s taking its prey

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
It just keeps going, it just keep pursuing
Coz it knows if i’m falling it’s making its claim

Verse 2

I tried telling people at school about my theory
A couple understood but most just looked at me weirdly
And those I did tell I had to do in a whisper
Coz most of these people were their brothers and sisters
There was only one grownup who didn’t seem affected
Who worked in a video shop that I frequented
I liked him coz he’d always chat to me when i’d visit
And slyly lend me horror flicks that my mum had forbidden
So I decided to confide in him and ask him if he knew
What I was talking about and if he’d noticed it too
The moment that I mentioned it I saw his face drop
He looked around then took me to the back of the shop
He kneeled down and said to me “This place is alive
And it thrives on the young people’s life force and drive
Until there’s nothing left then it spits out the shell
So promise me you’ll leave before it gets you as well”
His grip began to tighten and his eyes were looking manic
I felt frightened so I ran outside in a panic
I never told my parents what had happened but I read
That he was sectioned in the paper, a couple weeks later

Chorus

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
I just keep running, I just keep moving
Coz the moment I’m stalling it’s taking its prey

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
It just keeps going, it just keep pursuing
Coz it knows if i’m falling it’s making its claim

Verse 3

The words that the guy said remained in my head
And as I got older I saw for myself what he meant
I finished school and left, just like he recommended
And when I returned I saw people I was friends with
Working in the butchers, garages and shops
I wouldn’t even notice at first but then I would stop
And realise that the middle aged guy in the bakery
I used to go to school with and was the same age as me
I’d always ask how things were going
And the answer they gave was my way of knowing
Whether or not the town had yet managed to take hold
Coz if it had then the response would be “Same old”
It’s nice to go home but I know I can’t stay
Coz the town is angry that I ever managed to escape
And it’ll do what it takes to make sure I don’t leave
And when I’m there I can feel it’s grip creep it up on me
With every pint that I sip in a cozy little pub
With a fat labrador sprawled out on a rug
I think “It’s not so bad, I can stay for a few”
… and before I know it, it’s got me too.

Chorus

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
I just keep running, I just keep moving
Coz the moment I’m stalling it’s taking its prey

No matter where I’m going, no matter what I’m doing
I can hear the sound of the town calling my name
It just keeps going, it just keep pursuing
Coz it knows if i’m falling it’s making its claim

Peter F Pan

Verse 1

I know what you’re thinking, from the instant that I step in the door
You’re sniffing around to try and make sure my life isn’t better than yours
The first thing you ask me… is what am I doing for work these days
I say a bit of this and that, whatever it takes to earn a wage
You’re looking surprised like “What you mean you don’t have a permanent job?”
And your eyes light up as you try and conceal the delight you feel combined with shock
I tell you I work for myself and you ask is that not a little bit risky?
It has it’s ups and downs but I happen to like the freedom it gives me
And the flexibility… which allows me to focus on other things
You ask what I mean and when I say music, you nearly spit out your drink
You ask me if I still rap as you throw up your hands and mimic a gang sign
I roll my eyes and sigh and reply “Yeah, but it’s not really that type…”
I know what you’re thinking, no career path what a psychopath
In his 30s still tryna make a living from scribbling rhymes in pads
It used to be cool, but now at his age isn’t it kinda sad?
I’m Peter fucking Pan, and I’m absolutely fine with that

Chorus

I can see it in your eyes you criticise the life I have
You smile in my face but then you whisper it behind my back
But you don’t need to be polite or even try to hide the fact
I’m Peter fucking Pan, and I’m absolutely fine with that

Verse 2

Before you approach me, I already know what you’re going to say
Coz you never got over the fact that me and you dated back in the day
You ambush me by the punch, all smiles and hugs and kisses and “hey’s”
And just as predicted in under a minute the wedding ring’s out on display
I congratulate you… and ask who the lucky guy is
And instead of his name you tell me his job and the house you’re planning on buying
I tell you I’m happy for you and I do so with the utmost sincerity
But detect a flicker of anger coz I don’t seem to express any jealousy
You switch it up and ask me where my date is for this evening
I tell you I came alone and you look at me like I’ve suffered a bereavement
You tilt your head and give my arm a patronising stroke
And tell me “That’s alright” and my reply is “Thanks I know…”
I know what you’re thinking still in his 30s and can’t find a match
He should’ve snapped you up back when he had the chance you’re quite the catch
Still having one night stands with girls back in that tiny flat?
I’m Peter fucking Pan and absolutely fine with that.

Chorus

I can see it in your eyes you criticise the life I have
You smile in my face but then you whisper it behind my back
But you don’t need to be polite or even try to hide the fact
I’m Peter fucking Pan, and I’m absolutely fine with that

Verse 3

I’ve had enough so I down my drink and pull on my jacket sleeve
When I feel your hand on my shoulder dragging me back as I try to leave
You’re talking in my face and I can smell the wine as you breathe
You say to me “C’mon mate when will you finally give up on chasing those childish dreams?”
You offer to make an introduction at your company
“You could have the car, the pension all the perks and luxuries
Obviously you’d have to climb your way up the hierarchy
But if you work hard, in 5 years time with a bit of luck you could be just like me…”
“Well I’m sure there’s plenty of people in my position who’d tell you yes
But frankly speaking I can’t think of anything that I would rather do less
Than sit at a desk all day in a place I hate doing stuff I detest
All just to earn a salary that I don’t even have time to spend”
You tell me to give up my dreams, but when we were teens weren’t you in a band?
Raging Against the Machine and now you wear suits and work for a bank?
Besides I know for a fact you only got that job coz of your Dad
So as far as your offer goes I’m afraid I’ll have to say thanks but no thanks”
And as for you Amy, I bet you can’t wait to tell all your mates how bad I’m doing
And how I’ve not changed, coz I got given a chance on a plate and I blew it
But I’m just speaking my mind I’m the only one here that’s telling the truth
And since we’re on the topic already I’ve got a couple of nuggets for you
I honestly do wish you a life of happiness with your new fella
If he’s even half as superficial you two’ll be perfect together (gasp!)
But please don’t try and judge me for not having a partner yet, I’ve just not mer her
And unlike you I refuse to settle down coz of societal pressure
And by the way I don’t know if you remember last December?
When you bumped into me drunk as a skunk at a club and begged me to bed ya?
I declined and instead placed you in a taxi seat
But you probably forgot coz you’re too busy playing Happy Families
And once I’m gone you can tell yourselves what a bitter guy I am
While you pop a diaze.;lpam you hide inside your designer bag
But I don’t envy you or either of the lives you have
Coz I’m Peter fucking Pan, and I’m absolutely fine with that.

My Gym

Chorus

Welcome to the gym come take a wander with me
There’s a few of the members that I want you to meet
And if you’re wondering where it is you’ve seen em before
It’s in every other gym that you’ve probably been

Verse 1

Every gym I’ve been to contains the same characters
I swear it’s like somewhere there’s a manufacturer
With the same personality types they’re pumping out
Let’s start off with the loud guy who likes to grunt and shout
You’ll never need ask anyone “where’d he go”
If you can’t see him – don’t worry coz he’ll let you know
And usually if there’s a weight that you need
You can find it in the huge pile lying by his feet
And over here we have the Gym Bro who conforms
To a strict code and wears the same uniform
Backwards cap? Check. Chewing gum? Check.
Ladies crop top? “Nah man it’s a vest!” (Sure)
This guy spends so much time on his phone
I genuinely want to know do you even lift bro?
And if checking your reflection counted as reps
Then by now he’d be bigger than the Mountain I bet (Yep)

Chorus

Welcome to the gym come take a wander with me
There’s a few of the members that I want you to meet
And if you’re wondering where it is you’ve seen em before
It’s in every other gym that you’ve probably been

Verse 2

But yo do you know who my favourite gym guy type is?
The dude who’s going through the mid life crisis
And clearly hasn’t been to the gym for a few years
So rocks up dressed from head to toe in all new gear
He’s got the sweat pants the vest and the headband
Even his water bottle’s emblazoned with the best brand
He’s dressed like an athlete running a race
But then he does a couple stretches and is done for the day
But it’s not just the guys who act stereotypical
There’s plenty women who are just as predictable
Who turn up with their hair and their make up fresh
But don’t work too hard coz they don’t want to break a sweat
But I’m a hypocrite coz I think this chick is fit
And when she walks past I suck my gut in a bit
And even when I’m knackered if she’s stood next to me
I can always bust out a couple extra reps it seems

Chorus

Welcome to the gym come take a wander with me
There’s a few of the members that I want you to meet
And if you’re wondering where it is you’ve seen em before
It’s in every other gym that you’ve probably been

Verse 3

Trainer: But Offbeat, what about the guy who just stands there people watching…
Me: Uhh what?
Trainer: You know the guy taking down notes so he can make fun of them in a song
Me: Oh that, that’s different…

Let’s not forget the sleazy dude who’s always creeping through
On the lookout for girls to be speaking to
Dropping weak compliments like “Nice hair”
Seemingly unaware their boyfriend’s stood right there
Maybe they know and just don’t care
Either way it’s fair to say he didn’t come to train he just came to stare
All day long at these women’s butts
In fact weights are the only thing he doesn’t plan on picking up
Then there’s the perfect stranger
Who’s read one copy of Men’s Health and now thinks he’s a Personal Trainer
Quick to comment on your form and all the parts that’s wrong
Giving you advice regardless if you asked or not
But then he doesn’t see his own faults
Which is why you should take what he says with a big grain of salt
You can find him by the squat rack
Telling guys “Not bad, but next time try lifting with your back”

Chorus

Welcome to the gym come take a wander with me
There’s a few of the members that I want you to meet
And you’re wondering where it is you’ve seen em before
It’s in every other gym that you’ve probably been

Welcome to the gym thanks for booking the tour
Now you know who you need to be looking out for
– So next time you go there see if you can spot some
It won’t be hard coz every gym’s got one

Modern Man

Verse 1

I’m a pretty capable guy in most aspects of my life
I can cook, clean and do what it takes to survive
But there’s one area where I could be whole lot better
And that’s doing anything practical whatsoever
The kind of jobs you’d classify as “real man stuff”
Anything involving tools, wood, steel and such
Stuff I thought you just knew one you reached a certain age
But now I’ve reached it I realise is far from the case
Stuff my Dad’s generation seem to just understand
Like they’ve got a manual – with the emphasis on “man”
And girls don’t get mad coz I know you can do it too
In fact I’m regularly shown up by a few of you who do
Don’t get me wrong there’s plenty other value I can add
I can sync your email on your phone and iPad
I’m just not the type of guy you’d describe as a lad
And that’s fine I’ve come to terms with the fact that I simply am a…

Chorus:

Modern Man – there’s a lot that I can do
I can whip up a delicious gluten free vegan stew
I’m a Modern Man – and it’s even low carb
But if the oven won’t start I’m afraid we’re gonna starve

I’m a Modern Man – I got a lotta skills
I can recommend a range of excellent foreign films
I’m a Modern Man – you can borrow them as well
But if you want a screwdriver then.. sorry I can’t help

Verse 2

When it comes to DIY for me the D stands for Delegate
Coz I cause devastation whenever I decorate
And as for tryna mend something when it breaks
My expertise extends as far as wrapping it together with some sellotape
I came home one day and the house was pitch black
So I rang my Dad who told me just to flick a switch back
“It’s very simple son, all you’ve done is blow a fuse out”
“I dunno Dad, it sounds easier just to move house”
It’s not that I’m adverse to manual labour
It’s just by steering clear I’m doing everybody a favour
And if you say it’s not that bad, you’ll back track for sure
When you see how long it takes to make some flatpack drawers
– 4 hours and a whole load of cursing later
And it barely resemble the picture that’s on the paper
But even though they’re crooked I’m still grinning with pride
Until I realise I’ve put the handles on the inside

Chorus:

I’m a Modern Man – Don’t talk to me about sport
I don’t know my tennis pitches from my football courts
I’m a Modern Man – my mates treat me with disdain
Coz when their teams lose I say “It’s only a game”

I’m a Modern Man – I’m useless in a fight
Despite my extensive training at Boxercise
I’m a Modern Man – So I’m bound to lose
Like “Let’s talk it out” while being beaten with my own shoe

Verse 3

I hear girls complaining when they go to the garage
That the mechanics just assume that their knowledge is lacking
But as a man, the opposite assumption is made
And that your brain contains every single volume of Haynes
I got a flat tyre when I was driving one time
So pulled over and rang the nearest garage I could find
Explained the situation and then waited inside
For over 2 hours until the guy finally arrived
He eyed it up and down and asked “Do you have a spare?”
I stared blankly and replied “Uh not that I’m aware…”
He opened the back door, lifted up the floor
– And I was like “Wow, I never knew that there!”
He changed it and then handed me a bill for the work
And to tell the truth I don’t know how much this stuff is worth
So when I saw the price I tried to not look surprised
“£900 – mmm yeah that sounds about right…”

Chorus

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t know how to read a map
I still get lost even when I’m following a SatNav
I’m a Modern Man – But I rarely lose my rag
Because I practice mindfulness daily with an app

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t want a builders brew
But a Roobois or Chai infusion will do
Coz I’m a Modern Man – or if you’re offering coffee
Then a decaf frapaccino with some cream and some toffee

I’m a Modern Man – my girlfriends always despair
Coz when we hold hands mine are softer than theirs
I’m a Modern Man – I’ll notice their new hair
– But if I see a spider I’ll be standing on a chair

I’m a Modern Man – I don’t get on with their dads
I’m the son they’re always glad that they never had
I’m a Modern Man – but Mums always approve
Coz I can help them pair their outfits with their new shoes
I’m a Modern Man.

It’s Hard

You know, a lot of people say they like my music
Because it isn’t all guns and bitches and hoes
But they’ll never know the pain
Of growing up as a Hip Hop fan
In the most un-ghetto place in the entire world

Verse 1

Long before the days of Spotify and Tidal
Ice-T, Snoop and Dre were all my idols
I wanted to be just like ‘em, that was my main ambition
The only issue was I had nothing in common with ‘em
Coz I grew up on the nice side, the Sunday Times side
Staying alive was no problem
I wanted to be like NWA
But I wasn’t even coming Straight Outta Easter Compton
But, I didn’t let that stop me adopting the lifestyle
Baggy jeans, tees and caps
In my FUBU vest that went down to my knees
From my weekly shopping sprees at TK Maxx, coz
We didn’t have Ebay back then
So it was either that or a trip to the market
To buy a fake Wu Tang fleece that was next to the socks
That said “Hike” with the bar on the H that was slanted

Chorus

Yeah It’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
With the low-rider cars and the girls in their bras
Yeah you’d go in a heartbeat if only you could

Yeah it’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
With a big gold chain, maybe even a cane
With ice on your wrist and Timbs on each foot

Verse 2

But even though I dressed like Ali G
To my dismay the Five O weren’t harassing me
I would say “Fuck the Police” but not understand why
Coz there was only one guy who was actually alright
And the only time that he did interfere
Was when we were 16 in the park drinking beer
And not the 40oz we’d hear in the songs
It was the little Bier Do’rs that were 4% strong…
I’d see other drinks that these rappers were popping
Like Tanqueray, Alize and Hpnotiq
But the only offy in town was an Oddbins
And the dude confused when I asked if they stocked it
So I found my mum’s booze and I robbed it
And as for weed, it was far from the chronic
So I’d be rolling down the street smoking soap bar
Sipping on Gin and Tonic

I must’ve looked so moronic like… oh my god, hahaha

Chorus

It’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
Talking in slang as you hang with your gang
And knowing you’ll finally be understood

Yeah it’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
With your fingers entwined to make intricate signs
And you know what they mean coz you’ve seen them in books

Verse 3

As soon as I could I moved out from my rents’
But I still like to pop by now and again, and
Even though made me frown as a kid
I appreciate it now for the quaint little town that it is
But it still makes me laugh when I drive past
And see the next generation of try hards
Staring at me like an OAP, while
They recite bars of their favourite grime stars
I started this wanksta shit…
And this the muthafuckin thanks I get?
I was playing music on the bus back when
The only phone you had then was a 3210
But now I’ve been round the planet a bit, and
Seen how harsh the reality is
Now I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to swap
Coz I realise now just how lucky I was

Chorus

It’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
Where you’re always aware of what colours you wear
Because you can get shot if you’ve got the wrong look (Uhh what?)

Yeah It’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
Where employments is rare but there’s drugs everywhere
So regular people are forced to be crooks (Well that’s shit…)

Yeah it’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
Dreaming of housing projects instead
Of these picturesque scenes of the trees and the woods (Now hang on a minute…)

Yeah it’s hard growing up as a kid in the sticks
When all you wanna be is a boy in the hood
Waving goodbye to your comfortable life
(Y’know on second thoughts maybe I’ll just stay put)

But it’s hard.

I’m Late

Verse 1

Let me tell you all about a problem of mine
And how hard I find arriving at places on time
Coz no matter when I leave to reach my destination
The journey always exceeds my estimation
I don’t ever mean to be tardy on purpose
I just get distracted by things that seem urgent
My wife could be in labour screaming “What you waiting for?”
While I’m seeing if I’d be in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw… (Oli! Right right right…)
(Gryffindor obv) it got so bad that I arranged a visit to the doc’s
To see if there’s a cure for my life-long affliction
I made an appointment, but sadly I missed it
If you don’t believe me you check with my friends
They’ve started to lie about when to get to events
They’ll tell me that it’s 6 when it’s 7pm
But the joke’s on them coz I’ll still turn up at 10

I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) I’m always running late (oh!)
My mate’s all get frustrated coz I always make ‘em wait (oh!)
I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) and now I’m in a state (oh!)
Because no matter what I do it seems that’s just my fate (oh!)

Verse 2

I got an interview for the job of a lifetime
So set 3 alarms just coz I know what I’m like
But on this occasion they weren’t actually needed
Coz I was so excited that I woke up at half 5
I jumped in my ride and I slapped in the postcode
But roadworks meant that that way was a no-go
So took my own route – an unusual tact
To assume that I knew better than Google Maps
As if to prove a fact I got totally lost
And had to phone up the boss who was appropriately cross
When I finally got there and started explaining
I was sweating so much they asked if it was raining
I did the interview and it coulda gone better
So didn’t have high hopes when they sent me the letter
I opened it regardless and read the first line
“We regret to inform you…” – Huh, what a surprise…

I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) I’m always running late (oh!)
My mate’s all get frustrated coz I always make ‘em wait (oh!)
I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) and now I’m in a state (oh!)
Because no matter what I do it seems that’s just my fate (oh!)

Verse 3

Yo, I met a chick at a gig and we hit it off
Arranged to link for a drink and a bit of nosh
Didn’t plan to get drunk on the first date
But decided to take the bus just in case
Now I’m outta practice coz I’m usually driving
And when I get to the bus stop I see it arriving
So I dive in quickly because I don’t wanna miss it
Buy a ticket and start sitting without reading the signage
I sit back, relax and watch the world go by
But something about the journey doesn’t feel quite right
– But by the the time that I’ve started to question
We’ve gone 5 stops in the wrong direction (stop!)
When I do eventually get to the pub
She’s not there so I guess she’s think I stood her up
I call to explain and her phone starts ringing
– “Sorry I’m running late I’ll be there in a minute”

I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) I’m always running late (oh!)
My mate’s all get frustrated coz I always make ‘em wait (oh!)
I’m late (oh!) I’m late (oh!) and now I’m in a state (oh!)
Because no matter what I do it seems that’s just my fate (oh!)

Out of order mate…

I mean who shows up late on the first date?

I know obviosuly I was late, but that’s different, I had a good excuse.

I just don’t think I could be with someone like that, y’know?

It just shows such a lack of respect…

It’s just rude!

Hole In My Pocket

Verse 1

It’s the night before payday and all through the house
The only thing stirring is my finger on the mouse
Of my online banking clicking re-fresh
To see if my wages have been received yet
I’ve been waiting for this day for what seems like an age
Coz last month I went out and got carried away
Ok, I’ll confess I spent it all
But this month I’m gonna be way more sensible
Finally it lands and I’m rubbing my hands
But my overdraft hoovers most of the cash
Between that and the credit card minimum amount
There’s barely any money left in the account
That’s fine though I wanted a quiet month anyway
I’ll just stay in save and be well behaved
Then next month when they pay me I may be
Back in the Black like AC and Amy

Chorus:

I got a hole in my pocket coz this money is burning
And I can’t stop spending every penny I’m earning
No matter how much I have when the month commences
By the time that it’s ended I’ve still managed to spend it

Verse 2

I wake up the next day and it’s 10 past 8
And I’ve already got a verbal warning for being late
So I order a cab which I justify internally
I know I can’t afford it but this is an emergency
At lunchtime I meet a mate at a coffee place
Hit the ATM and get a tenner on the way
But now the note is broken so I’ve got a lot of change
And I don’t want it getting wasted so I bosh it on some cakes
I get back and have a little browse on the net
And see a wicked looking book that I’ve been meaning to get
– I know I really shouldn’t but at least it is productive
Plus I’m staying in so I deserve a little something…
At 5 I hear the cry of ‘Beer O’Clock’
But I politely decline to much protest and shock
I feel like a saint for showing such great restraint
So as a reward order a £40 takeaway

Verse 3

A couple days later and I’m standing line
In my local supermarket when my card gets declined
I’m like “Sorry love but it must be your till
Coz I know that I’ve got enough dough to pay the bill”
She tries a couple more times but still no luck
So I dump my stuff and storm off in a huff
I check my bank balance and it says zero
So I think “Oh no! My card must’ve been cloned!”
I phone up my bank to report the fraud
Expecting them to say a Porsche has been bought abroad
But they say “Hmm we’ve not seen anything untoward”
So I make ‘em read the payments out just to be sure
£20 from Uber – yeah that one’s mine
£10 in cash – um yeah also mine
£40 at China Xpress, uh yes…
Would you like me to continue?” No thank you that’s fine!

Verse 4

I’m in deep, my overdraft has reached it’s peak
And payday isn’t for another 3 weeks
I can just about eat but it means tuna mayo
And baked potato three meals a day though
I’m tryna work out this problem that I’m cursed with
Like when it come to cash am I allergic?
Or is is low self esteem that makes me lose it on purpose
Coz secretly I don’t believe I deserve it?
Whatever the reason I’m certain, it’s related
To my poor punctuality and permanent lateness
And explains why I’m such a poor time-keeper
Coz time is money and I never have either
Finally it reaches the end of the month and I’m insistent
This time it’s gonna be different
“Oli mate we’re going to the pub wanna come?”
“Mmm it’s been a long month, I guess I’ll have one…”

Even The Score

Verse 1

I was sat in a room with a record executive
With pen and a chequebook there next to him
He told me “Kid I think you’ve got what it takes”
And with my help you could be one of the greats
Here’s the contract all you gotta do is sign it”
I replied “Shouldn’t I read the fine print?”
He said “Now’s not the time to get cold feet”
I felt embarrassed so did what he told me
But the moment I did I regretted it
As I watched his expression turn devilish
– He let out a deep and triumphant laugh
The door opened and in marched a pair of guards
They grabbed my arms and put me in handcuffs
Then led me to a cell and as the door slammed shut
I yelled “Wait! I think I’ve made a big mistake”
They looked back and said “That’s what they all say”

Chorus

It’s been this way for way too long
But now the time has come to even the score
Too many artists get paid a song
While the fat cats sit and reap the rewards

Verse 2

Now I’m trapped in my worst nightmare
They took all my clothes and they cut all my hair
They say when to wake up, and say when to sleep
They say when to workout, and say when to eat
They say when to speak and they say what to say
They chain me and put me to work every day
And I’m told those who don’t cooperate
Disappear without a trace…
I asked my cellmate how long has he been here
And he told me “Oh 10 or so years”
I asked “How the hell do you manage to do it?”
He said “It’s not so bad once you get used to it…
You get a warm bed and 3 meals a day
And they leave you alone as long as you behave”
I knew for him it was already too late
But that very night I plotted my escape

Chorus

It’s been this way for way too long
But now the time has come to even the score
Too many artists get paid a song
While the fat cats sit and reap the rewards

Verse 3

Without the guards knowing I set up a meeting
With the other artists and then started speaking
I told them that “It has been this way for ages
Even our heroes have been kept in cages
They did it to Nina and also Aretha
And not that I care but they’ve done it to Beiber
See these people needed the labels to earn
But technology means that the tables have turned
With platforms like Social and Blog Posts for reading
Podcasts and downloads and yes even streaming
It’s with these tools that we can fight for freedom
And prove to the labels that we do not need them…

And with that, I’d ignited a fire
That tore through the prison and started a riot
Something had shifted that day in their brains
That made ‘em realise they could break from the chains
The guards started yelling “Get back in your cell!”
But it was too late and they knew it as well
The artists had been awoken from their slumber
– And the guards realised that they were outnumbered…

We’re sick of the tricks, we’re sick of the lies
We’re sick of our liberty being denied
We’re sick of this prison you’re keeping us living in
When you’re the villains committing the crimes
Making us work and wringing us dry
And giving the littlest bit of the pie
Paying a pittance for what we provide
And then when you’re finished you kick us aside
But times have changed and your old ways
Are no longer something on which we rely
We’re nimble and flexible so we can thrive
While you dinosaurs are too big to survive
So you can try, to stop us with force
Or drop to your knees and beg for your life
But we won’t ever forget the oppression
The field is level and it’s about time